Wealth and Wisdom

Note:This is one of the hardest things I’ve written about. I’ve personally gone through it and know how it can tear apart a family. In my case it was because I decided to help.

“Joe, you look awful.”

“Wow, is that a good way to greet a friend?” Joe asked me. “But now that you mentioned it, I haven’t been sleeping well.”

Joe then proceeded to tell me about his family situation and the stress it was causing. His brother wasn’t able to pay the rent-again-and came Joe for a loan.

“I’m getting tired of always having to bail him out. I love him, but loaning him another grand won’t solve his problem. And I’m getting tired of everyone assuming that because I run my own business I have money to loan them.” After a bitter chuckle, Joe added “I don’t know why I call it a loan. They never pay me back.”

It wasn’t the first time

Joe and I have been friends for years-heck, he gave me my start in sales! I was familiar with this drama in his family and saw it repeat several times a year. If it wasn’t his brother it was his cousin or uncle. One time their car was in the shop. Another time they were a bit short until payday.

It was like his family thought that because he was an entrepreneur he was their personal bank machine.

The straw that broke the camel’s back

This time things were different. The economic downturn was hitting Joe’s industry hard. He was struggling to keep the doors open, and the last thing he needed was this. In fact, the reason Joe and I were meeting was that I was advising him on his company’s sales and marketing.

Bottom line: he had nothing more to give.

Loaning money to your family is a lose-lose situation

When it comes to family, money, and loans you can’t win. You are a bad mother/son/brother (fill in the appropriate relationship) if you say no. It will poison your relationship even if you say yes. No matter what you do it can tear a family apart.

For entrepreneurs it can be even worse. People assume that just because you own the company that you are rich and that they are entitled. You can easily become their personal bank…or their welfare system.

With this in mind I’ve developed the following guidelines to help deal with the situation. Some sound cold and heartless, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. This is a decision that can have serious consequences. The decision must be based on facts and on what is best for everyone involved. Remember, the best answer is sometimes the one that hurts the most. People often tell me that the best thing that happened to them was that someone told them no. It forced them to grow up and solve the problem themselves.

7 Guidelines when family asks for money

1. Your not the bad guy…

You know the drill. The guilt is being applied. “Just this once…” “Don’t you love me?” You can afford it.” “Blood is thicker than water.” To make it worse other family members are calling you and asking why you won’t help.

You have done nothing wrong. They put you in a bad position, one that you often can’t win.

2. Step back and take a deep breath

The only thing that makes this so hard is that you are dealing with family. With anyone else it would be much easier. When family members ask you for money they don’t use logic. They push your buttons. This sets the stage for a major family crisis.

Now is not the time to make a decision based on feelings. You need to step away and get some space. If they push tell them you need time to think about it. If they keep pushing start asking them questions. This will put the responsibility back on their shoulders. Remember this is their problem. They are coming to you for a favor.

3. Separate emotion from fact

Now I know I’m going to get an earful about this. “It’s your mother. You owe her.” “How can you be so heartless?” “Don’t you love your family?” “Why do you hate your sister?”

Let me put that to rest right now. Decisions based on guilt rarely work out. Don’t be afraid to use decision making tools (I personally love a weighted pro/con list). Feelings and relationships are a factor, but the decision needs to stand on it’s own without the emotions to prop it up.

4. Am I helping or enabling?

This is tough because of the guilt involved. One thing to keep in mind is that often you are only making things worse by handing out money. People need to take responsibility for their own problems. In extreme cases they need to hit bottom before they can start to get better. In these cases the only way to help them is to stand firm.

Now I’m not saying you should always say no. You just need to make a clear headed logical decision that is in everyone’s best interests.

5. What are they doing to solve the problem?

Just bailing someone out won’t solve the problem. Are their expenses exceeding their income? Then they need to take steps to fix the problem. Do they have a gambling problem? Then they need to get help for the underlying addiction.

They need to take responsibility and be willing to fix their own problem. Otherwise this will come up again and again. Each time it will be a little worse.

6. You have the right to say no

Just because it is family doesn’t mean you are obligated to give them money. I hear the argument all the time that you should “honor you parents.” That doesn’t mean you are indebted to them for eternity. Yes you should respect and thank them for bringing you into this world. Just remember that this is a two way street. You deserve the same respect and appreciation as well.

Now most people have parents that gave them love and nurtured them. That is a different story. Then again, most people with loving parents aren’t put in this position.

You have to make the right decision for everyone involved. This needs to be based on facts, not some emotional tug at the heartstrings. If the right answer is no say no.

7. Always a gift never a loan

If you decide giving is the right decision make it a gift. You should never loan money to family. I don’t care if you get the terms in writing, you will never be able to enforce the contract. What are you going to do? Take them to court? I don’t care if they tell you they won’t take charity.

A loan will only poison the relationship. Each time you have to call to collect on the missed payment it will damage both of you. Even if you don’t have to make the call (unlikely) it will always get in the way of your family.

Note: a gift means no future expectations. You don’t have the right to ask for it back. They don’t owe you. You can’t use it for emotional leverage. It must be given freely.

Over the years I’ve made some amazing strides in personal development. It is always fun to look back a decade or two and see how far I’ve come. In spite of all the gains I have several areas where the improvements don’t stick. Time and time again I get committed to change only to see it unravel a couple weeks later. Heck, sometimes it comes apart in days!

F r u s t r a t i o n

I’ll be the first to admit that this drives me crazy. The worse part is that these are basic areas that would have a significant impact on my life. For example, I have had an enormous problem when it comes to time management. I start most weeks off with a bang, but run out of steam midweek. It doesn’t matter what tool I use. My wife jokes that I own more day runners than the average Franklin-Covey store!

The solution that I didn’t grasp at first

For quite a while I’ve been reading Leo at Zen Habits. Leo is a big proponent of breaking your goals into mini-goals and focusing on them one at a time. Ah, it all seems so clear now, but at the time I had the opposite opinion. I always tried to build mega goals that wrapped several smaller goals into one. Kill two birds with one stone was my mantra. Yet I fell down time and time again.

Then a couple weeks ago Leo posted Autopilot Achievement: How to Turn Your Goals Into Habits.

One thing at a time

When you are making a major change you really are setting many smaller goals. His premise is that we can only focus on a limited number of things at a time. Take weight loss as an example. This is a simple sounding goal, but when you look at what it involves it is really a series of steps:

• Daily exercise
  • Resistance training to build lean muscle mass
  • Cardio/interval training
  • Stretching
• Nutrition
  • Monitor your caloric intake.
  • Eat the right balance of food.
  • Multiple meals
• Stress reduction: stress hormones interfere with fat reduction and increase fat storage.
• Consistency: you need to eat well and exercise daily.

Is it any wonder this “simple goal” is so hard to obtain? It is really more than eight distinct goals!

Turn that goal into a habit

The solution that Leo offers is to break these major goals into what I call micro-goals. You then focus on one goal at a time for three to four weeks until it becomes a habit. Only then do you move onto the next micro-goal and repeat the process.

What ends up happening is that you actually create lasting change in your life. It is easy to maintain a habit once it is developed.

But it takes so long!

This is what kept me from using this technique until now. I understand how it is hard to wait. You see the change you desire and want it now. So you make a major change and hit the ground running. The big question is how long will it last? A day or two? A week? How many times will you make the change only to fall back into bad habits? How long does that take?

It’s a marathon not a sprint

We need to change our mindset from instant gratification to long term gain. On the surface it looks like the slow and steady approach takes too long. It is only when you look to the future-and at our past failures-that we realize how quick this really is.

This is where your goal setting comes in. What do you want to accomplish or become? Break your goal into micro-goals. Prioritize those micro-goals and focus on changing one thing. Wait, this sounds awefuly familiar. This is continuous improvement on steroids!

My change…

For the next three weeks I will be focusing on one thing. I will start each day with a plan. Will I execute that plan? Will I procrastinate? Will I let minor things intrude? These questions don’t matter. Right now I am working on having a daily/weekly plan. I can work on my execution in a few weeks once I’ve developed this habit.

My challenge to you

What one change would have the biggest impact on your life? Is it to eat more consciously? Maybe you need to prioritize your to do list. Do you need to exercise daily? Should you start each day with a plan?

It’s Monday morning and you are ready for the final match of the week. You look back at the previous week and are amazed. What a ride it’s been…

Your first match
You start off slowly feeling out your opponent. You try a run and gun style of play only to go down 0-5 early in the first game. You reassess your game plan and adapt to your opponent. Slowly you dig yourself out of the hole and win the game 15-10. Now that you have figured him out you take control. You go up 13-2 in the second game before you get hit with his racket. You realize you have a limited time to finish things off before the pain sets in and the swelling starts. You dig deeply and push through to win the match. Two vicious serves and the match is yours.

And you have learned your lesson: don’t try and beat your opponent at his own game.

The next match
The next match isn’t as easy. The kid is half you age and is good. Your only hope is to play smarter and keep him moving. You go in with a game plan and start to execute. Keep the kid off balance. Change the pace. Make him move and keep the ball out of center court. Slow it down and make more defensive shots. Give him shots that are tempting but hard to hit. Let him make mistakes.

You win the game pretty easily. The kid keeps playing into your game and makes your job easy.

Game two is much harder as he adapts to your style of play. He takes an early lead and you can never quite get back into the game.

Now comes the tiebreaker. This is an epic battle-youth against wisdom! This kid gets to everything. Every point comes hard, but you start to assert your game plan and take control. It is hard, but you eventually prevail.

Quarterfinals
Now on to the quarterfinals. This time it is the opposite side of the age spectrum. Your opponent is 30 years your senior. He has been playing since before you were born. He has seen every trick in the book, and invented a few of them himself! This time your game plan is more like a blitzkrieg than a chess match. Hard and aggressive serves. Fast pace. Make him move and don’t give him time.

The first game is quick and easy. He tires easily and you start to ace him on your serve. He no longer gets to your shots, but nothing gets past you with your speed and agility.

The second game is harder. He doesn’t go down easy. Remember, he’s been doing this as long as you’ve been alive! This time wisdom isn’t enough to overcome youth and vigor. You win the match and move on.

Semifinals
Up until now you have been better than your opponent. This time it is different. He goes up early in the first game and puts you back onto your heals. You dig deep and stagger back. You are good at serving and start to pound him. Slowly you start to build momentum. You lose, but it wasn’t a blow out. He is dripping with sweat and exhausted. You are energized and take momentum into the second game.

Suddenly he starts playing like a different person. The shots he missed last game start hitting. He takes control and easily wins the match. He goes on to the finals. You go play for third place.

Back to Monday morning
It’s Monday morning and you are ready for the final match of the week. You have spent six days playing the best in the nation. You have been tested. You have been hit with rackets (and hit someone as well). Your body is worn and bruised but not beaten. You are focused, have a solid game plan, and are ready. Now is the time to execute.

Only your opponent doesn’t show up for the game. You win by default. You tell yourself that a win is a win, but it just doesn’t feel the same. There isn’t the rush of emotion that comes with a hard fought victory. It will always be in the back of your mind as you wonder how the game would have turned out. You feel deflated. Then you reflect on what you have achieved and learned. You look at the friends you have made. You remember the joy on your son’s face when he played the best game of his life. You remember the hurt when he lost a match he should have won.

Wow, what a week!

Last week I was honored to be able to play in US Racquetball Association’s National Singles Championship. I had a lot of fun meeting and playing with the best in the nation. Watching them in action was amazing, especially the players in better divisions.

All in all I am:

• Proud of my accomplishment. Last year I didn’t belong and it was apparent. This year I took third place.
• Exhausted. A week of racquetball is exhausting. The competition is so much higher at nationals and it requires you to play at an elevated level.
• In pain…Everywhere. It is easier to list the parts that don’t hurt. Everything from aching knees to sore hips to a bruised and swollen arm (a direct hit with a racket) to a tight back.
• Ready to get focused on work, my website, and my blog.

What did I learn?

One of my primary beliefs is that we should take time to savor our experiences and to learn the lessons that life is trying to teach us. Usually you can apply the lessons to most areas of you life.

• Learn from past mistakes: Last month I played in the Regional Qualifier (7 Ways Losers Win). While my skills had improved from last year my performance was less than satisfactory. One thing I did right was learn from the experience. This helped me win third in nationals which was a major achievement.
• Dig deep if you want to win: Often the winner is the last man able to stand. When I was in my second round match I was playing someone half my age. I had to dig deep into my reserves to pull off a victory. I was absolutely determined to win in spite of exhaustion, aches, and pains.This isn’t always a physical effort. Sometimes you need to dig deep emotionally to get yourself back into the game. Again, the determination to win is a key factor in sucess.
• Have a game plan: Having a game plan is critical if you want to win. Every win I had was based on having a plan and executing. I may have to adapt but that is part of my plan.My son learned this lesson as well. He was up against a national champion (juniors 14 and under) who’s parents were top ranked players. She had a professional coach. She had already beat a couple of his friends. We watched her play and evaluated her strengths and weaknesses. Based on this we came up with a game plan. In game one he just played his normal game…and lost. Then he got smart and executed his strategy. It was an amazing match to watch, and in the end he won.
• Take it one point at a time: Each and every point is a new challenge. Set aside the last shot and execute right now. 15 individual victories and you win the game. Win two games and you win the match. It doesn’t matter how many missed shots or lost points you experience as long as you win two out of three games!This applies to life as well. A successful life is a string of successful years. A successful year is a string of successful days. One bad day won’t ruin your life. Accept it, learn from it, and move on.
• Pause to enjoy the victory: Win the match? Sit back and relish it. Make a great shot? Let your exuberance show!This can also be other people’s victories. Several friends and my son were playing in the tournament as well. We cheered each other on every step of the way. It builds friendships. You give each other moral support. It makes the experience more fun. Their achievements mean almost as much to me as my own.
• Attitude: A good attitude always pays off. It helps keep you focused and executing your game plan. It gives you the determination to win in spite of setbacks. It shows good sportsmanship.This is another lesson my son learned. His biggest weakness is losing his mental focus and letting his opponent take his head out of the game. During is match with the 14 and under national champion, he kept his head in the game. Even though he lost the first game, he stayed focused. This allowed him to concentrate on executing his strategy. This allowed him to win the match.
• Learn from both your successes and failures: We often forget to learn from our wins. We get carried away on the emotional high and don’t take the time. Also, it is often easier to learn from losses. It gives your loss meaning and helps ease the pain.As well as I did, I still have a long way to go. I know where my game needs improvement. I will make steady progress throughout the year. I have several things to learn that will take my game to the next level. Next year I will test my skills and see how far I have improved.
• It isn’t all about winning: I enjoy winning but it isn’t why I play. I like meeting new people and making new friends. I like testing myself and having a way to measure my improvement.

Common advice, common results
I shake my head when I hear most “experts” talk about getting ahead. Their advise is almost always the same: “reduce your spending to the bare minimum. Maximize the amount you save. Invest in good mutual funds for the long haul.”

Every once in a while you hear someone who focuses on increasing your income. Most of the time it is based on working harder and longer. Often it includes being more productive.

Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t bad advice. For 80% of Americans, it is a step in the right direction. Considering the rampant abuse of credit cards, it is their path to salvation.

Path 1
This is the most common path you see personal finance guru’s advise. This is what you hear from the frugal blogger community. It is 90% of the help Dave Ramsey and Suze Orman give.

The concept is basic: reduce your expenses below your income. Interest and penalties are unnecessary expenses, so they must be eliminated.

While this is the foundation for personal finance, it is missing a key element to build wealth. By itself it leads to a safe and stable life of mediocrity. Yes, you can become a millionaire by using this path. It just won’t happen until you are too old to enjoy it. And how much will your nest egg be worth? By then a million dollars will be the equivalent of $700k. While this is a good chunk of money, it leads to a lower middle class retirement. Not the golden watch we all dream of!

Path 2
Ahh, this path is riddled with scams and charlatans. Don’t worry about expenses, increase your means. On the surface this sounds great. Keep enjoying the latte. Drive cars you can’t afford. Live in a house that is too big for your income. Trust that you will make enough to pay it all.

There are some real experts that tell you to focus on increasing your income. Michael Masterson is one. Robert Kiyosaki is another, though his status as “expert” is questioned by many. Most of their focus is on increasing your pay or starting a side business.

This road has major flaws.

• First, if you can’t manage your finances at $30k/year, it will just be magnified at $300k. This is a fact and has been proven in study after study. The typical person’s expenses increase faster than their income. What was a financial problem at $30k becomes a downright crisis as the income increases.
• Living within your means is safety. Your financial security is inversely proportional to your debt. For the non-math majors, that means that as you decrease your debt, your life becomes more secure and stress free.
• Dollar for dollar, decreasing expenses results in more free cash than increasing income. This is due to income taxes.
• The second path is littered with get rich quick schemes. There are legitimate businesses out there. Some of the advice is good. 97% is bunk.
• If you do find or build a legitimate business, you need more than just income. You also need expense control and budgeting. Hmmm…Doesn’t that sound like personal finance?
• There is truth to the belief that material things get in the way. They clutter your life. They increase your expenses. They are an emotional drain. I’m not saying we should live like monks. We should just be careful what we bring into our lives.

Path 3
This is Benjamin Franklin’s path. Decrease your expenses. Increase your income. This is the best of both worlds.

Dave Ramsey (and similar experts) touch on this, but often it is to help get you out of debt. “Take a second job to speed up your debt repayment” is their mantra. That is great to get you out of a bind, but is not a long term solution. You work 40 hours a week at your day job. You do 20+ hours as a pizza delivery guy. That doesn’t leave you any time for family and fun. Once you are out of debt, this is not the way to lead a rich and balanced life.

There may be many ways to bring in more money, but I find two to be most effective.:

1. Earn more at you job: What are your doing to earn a raise or promotion? Your compensation is based on your contribution. You must first increase your contribution if you want more pay. And remember, the training you receive while on the clock is to do your current job. It is the time you spend after work that will help you get ahead.Another thing to consider is whether your pay is appropriate for your industry. Often you find that other companies are paying more for your skills. If so, you have the justification to ask for a raise or find another job. For more info on job hunting, check our my post 11 Steps to the Job of Your Dreams.
2. Start a side business: My advice is to practice what Michael Masterson calls chicken entrepreneurship. Start a small business on the side. Stick to an industry you know well. Stick to your existing skills. Find a niche and identify their needs. Build your business around filling those needs. Start on a shoestring to minimize your risk. This topic is far too in depth to be discussed in this post, so look for it in the near future.

This morning my wife and I were talking about RSS. This is definitely a “told you so” moment. Several months back my wife told me “we need to look into this RSS thing.” I downplayed it, and didn’t see how it would improve my life. Why figure out a RSS reader when I only check a couple sites daily?

If the self proclaimed compute geek doesn’t understand it…
The funny thing is that I’m a computer geek. I always have been. Heck, I started programming back in 1982 on a TSR80. Nothing has changed since, and I still love playing with C# or Visual Basic.

Fast forward to today
I don’t know how I would get by without RSS. Once I started reading blogs it became invaluable. I can now keep up with the score of blogs I read daily in a quick and efficient manner. And now that I am a blogger, it makes it easier to reach my readers.

How RSS can save you time and make your life easier

1. It saves you time: It is much quicker to have all your blogs and news sites sent the info to you. No more surfing from site to site. And if you use a reader like Google Reader (my personal favorite) you can skim through the feeds quickly. Not interested in the topic? Skip it!
2. You are in control: You don’t have to give out your email address. No personal information. You simply subscribe and start receiving information. When you want to stop receiving the info, a few clicks and you are unsubscribed.
3. Simple: All you have to do is click on the RSS icon .
4. Privacy: Since you don’t give out your email address, you don’t receive spam. No more emails about increasing your libido. No more emails about fake Rolex’s. No more worrying about the loopholes in a site’s privacy statement.
5. You already use it: It may surprise you but you are already using RSS feeds. Do you have a Yahoo / MSN / Google homepage? Did you ever wonder at the modular design, and at how you could add other news sources, sports scores, stock info, and the weather? These are all RSS feeds.

• You can use a service like MSN, Yahoo, or Google and set up your homepage.
• You can use an aggregator like Bloglines.
• Use a stand alone reader like Google Reader (my favorite), NewsGator, or Feed Demon.
• Use Foxfire or the latest version of Internet Explorer. Both have RSS capabilities.
• Integrate into your email program. The latest version of Outlook comes with a built in RSS reader. If you use an older version, programs like NewsGator will work inside Outlook.

How do I sign up?
The easiest way is to click on the RSS icon . Most blogs use a service like Feedburner to make their feeds more accessible. Follow the direction and in a few simple steps the blog is delivered to your reader.

Seven months ago I read The Four Hour Workweek by Timothy Ferriss. It was a major turning point in my life, and fit well with several major changes I was making. I had already shifted from a work harder and longer to make more money mindset. I was looking to gain a level of freedom in my employment. I wanted the freedom to be able to work anywhere in the world and to chose my hours. All this without a drop in our standard of living. His book shifted my view and further clarified what I wanted to accomplish.

Then came the stumbling block
I was in sales and already had a great deal of freedom. I was not required to be in the office. One major obstacle down…and it caused another. To do my job I need to meet with my customers. That requires me to be in Houston. It can’t be done if I spend two months in Cypress.

The other challenge was with schedule. How the heck can he get down to four hours a week? Sure, I could probably cut out 10 hours if I was focused. That makes it a 40 hour work week. 20 hours? No way!

Our solution
We decided to start a side business that would eventually replace my day job. This is easier said than done. We were determined to do this while maintaining a balanced life. That meant I couldn’t let any obligations drop. Racquetball…I still played several times a week. Exercise…another daily demand. Our kid’s activities…lost several more evenings. Work…I cut back to 40 hours per week but heck, I need to feed the family!

The end result was that nothing got done well. Everything was a chore. I was stressed beyond belief and no one was happy.

Snap!
Finally it all came apart. It was a case of too much to do and too little time. On top of my already busy schedule I had a major racquetball tournament that took up my entire weekend.

That doesn’t mean I didn’t try. Unfortunately I didn’t get the critical things done, and what I did wasn’t done well. My mood tanked, I couldn’t sleep, and I was spinning out of control.

Calling it a nervous breakdown is a bit extreme. There were no men in white coats. I wasn’t taken away in a sleeveless jacket. No rubber rooms. No medications that had me drooling and incoherent.

What did happen was my wife and I had a deep conversation that lasted into the wee hours of the morning.

And something clicked
I finally let go of my 40 hour per week mindset. I shifted to a mindset that focused on accomplishing important tasks. The rest just won’t get done. I did some soul searching and identified the areas I valued. I assessed my job and identified the activities that were important.

Then came the hard part. I cut my work week to the important/critical 20 hours. This freed up time to do the other things I wanted to do. Build our business. Get caught up on the household repairs and upgrades (I like working with my hands). Play racquetball without feeling guilty. Watch the Pittsburgh Penguins thump the Ranges in the Stanley Cup playoffs.

The amazing thing is that I got better at everything. I started posting to this blog on a regular basis. I accomplished more at work once I ruthlessly cut all of the non-important tasks. More sales equals more commission. I had more time to work on our business. I have more time to do the things I enjoy like racquetball. And last weekend I was able to get away and had a wonderful time at the beach.

None of this was unknown
This was my latest life lesson. I believe life will keep throwing the same thing at you until you figure it out. I’ve know about Pareto’s Law for years. I knew about goals and prioritizing my day. I knew that it didn’t matter how long or hard I worked, what mattered is what I accomplished.

Knowing is one thing. Doing is another. Sometimes making the change is easy. Sometimes incremental improvement will do the job.

Sometimes it takes a crisis…or a breakdown.

You have spent months preparing. Your game has improved. You know your strengths and weaknesses. You are conditioned and fit.

Your first game you almost blow. You start strongly and then let up a bit. You don’t give up, but just ease up on the pedal. Your opponent pulls ahead and you have to dig deep for the win. Lesson learned, you drive into game two and win the match easily.

The next match isn’t so easy. Your opponent shouldn’t be in your division…he is too good, and everyone hates a sand bagger! You dig in hard and give it everything you have. Unfortunately it isn’t enough. You can’t quite find a way to get past him. When you look to your coach/fans you see it in their eyes-game over.

Your third match should be easy. You are better than your opponent. You know his game. You both play your best, and it is an epic match. You both strain your bodies to the limits (boy will you hurt tomorrow). You go up strongly in all three games, but just can’t close it out. Your opponent just wants it more.

Three matches, one win, and you are out.

This weekend I played in the TX regional racquetball tournament. Results were mixed. Compared to last year we were vastly improved. I finished about where I should have based on my skill and ranking. That being said, I did not win. In fact, I lost a game I should have won.

That being said, I took several life lessons out of it. I am a strong believer in learning from every experience. I never view it as a failure because I can always learn something. This weekend I learned seven things that can be applied to any part of your life:

1. Measure your performance to see the improvement: I have improved dramatically. Last year I entered at the same level. I thought my game was good. I quickly found out how wrong I was. I did not belong in this division. In fact, I was not good enough for the next division down.This year was a different story. I did not do as well as I liked (expect the best but plan for the worst). That being said, my skill had improved to the point that I belonged at that level. One of the reasons I enjoy tournaments is that I can gauge my improvement.
2. Small, incremental improvements interspaced with major leaps forward: I am a firm believer in continuous improvement. Every time I practice or play, I have a skill in mind that needs work. It is usually a minor improvement. Just 1% more accurate. Just 2% harder. Just 1% smarter. This is compound interest applied to personal development. Over a year, it results in a 372% improvement. That is only taking into consideration a 1% improvement playing/practicing an average of twice a week. Imagine how far you can go if you make that 2% every day of your life.This doesn’t take into consideration the occasional leap forward. Every once in a while something clicks. You now “get it.” Maybe it is understanding court position better. Maybe it is swing mechanics. It doesn’t matter what it is because you suddenly leap forward. You
   move up as much as all the minor improvements combined.
3. Don’t let up: I almost lost my first match because I eased up. It isn’t like I started playing left handed. I just went from giving it 110% to about 95%. In my third match I couldn’t close the deal. My opponent played harder the closer I got to winning. He wanted it more and it was enough for him to beat me.
4. Attitude is everything: My wife watched my son play in his finals with me. She pointed out that he looked to me on every missed shot. I was shaking my head or telling him what he did wrong. What he needed from me was support. He was having trouble getting his head in the game. He needed me to help him get his attitude right. I flashed back to past matches where I needed support. I missed a shot. My opponent was pulling ahead. I look up to the crowd and see my son shaking his head. I see my friends putting their heads down in frustration. Wow, what a paradigm shifter! I changed my approach and gave him love and support. I focused on the positive and what he wanted to do, not on what he was doing wrong. The results were magical. He came back in game two and almost tied it up. He won the tie breaker and the match.My third match-the one I should have won-was a mental loss. I had a positive attitude, but it was defensive. You could say it was kind of positive. I was thinking “I am up 13 to 7. I only need two points to win.” I wasn’t thinking about losing, but I wasn’t determined to win either. My opponent was, and he was able to pull a win.And your attitude is contagious. Your attitude doesn’t just affect your performance, it affects everyone around you. Look at my son’s match. When I was critiquing his game in my mind it pulled him down. When I was focusing on the positive and being 100% supportive it helped him get his mind back in the game.
5. Relax: You play your best when you are loose and relaxed. Tension only gets in the way of performance. It also takes away from your enjoyment.
6. Enjoy the process: The best part of the game is that I love it. I love the challenge. I love learning new skills and improving old ones. I love meeting new friends, and getting a chance to see old ones. While I enjoy winning, it isn’t the reason I do this.
7. Take time to learn the lesson: Life will throw the same lesson at you time and time again until you learn it. Take time to review your results. What did you do right? How could you improve? Then relive the experience as if you did it perfectly. Absorb the lesson, and then let it all go. It is time to move on!

Designer handbags. Primped and pampered. Fresh from the salon. Recent trip the the friendly neighborhood plastic surgeon for a minor “augmentation.”

Driving up in their new BMW. Just moved into a bigger house in a more exclusive neighborhood. Do they need more space? No, just one kid. That’s why they need 6,000 square feet…

God help you if you are drawn into a conversation. So shallow I’ve seen puddles that were deeper. Who is dating their friend’s daughter. What happened on the latest episode. Is so and so having an affair?

Popularity is everything. This is the high school in crowd on steroids. Who do you know? You can’t talk to Ernest because he lives in (pick your nice but less than desirable neighborhood). Positioning their kids to be more popular so they look better, never mind the lifelong impact it will have.

No, this isn’t TV
This isn’t Beverly Hills. It is Houston, TX at a youth sports game. What do the husbands do for a living? Doctors? Lawyers? Investment bankers? Some are mid level managers or minor executives, but most aren’t. One is a customer service manager making a whopping $50k. Another is a low level sales man who does just a bit better. One is a carpenter.

Look closer and you see a bit of desperation in their eyes. Try as they might, they can’t forget the massive debt hanging over their heads. How much fun is that BMW when you are always working overtime to make the payments? Is there a purpose to their lives, something meaningful to get them excited about tomorrow?

What happens if their hours at work are cut? What happens if they are laid off? The upcoming recession strikes fear into their hearts. No savings, credit cards maxed, and huge monthly payments…How long before the house of cards comes crashing down? What will the neighbors think?

Our old friend Pareto
This comes back to the 80/20 principal. 80% of society just doesn’t get it. 20% does, and I include my readers in this group. That is why we live within our means. That is why we are debt free. That is why we have the savings to weather any emergency. That is why we advance, but keep a balanced life perspective. That is why we often start our own businesses.

And that is why we don’t count these people our true friends. We may be acquaintances. We can smile and nod and chat. We can drift into their circle, but we usually leave them confused. Why don’t we drive a new BMW? You’re further up the food chain, but aren’t interested in moving into (pick your exclusive neighborhood).

Flash forward 10 years
This is where the fun begins. Those same people are still at the same job. They are still unhappy and don’t understand why. Their lives are in shambles. That new BMW was leased, and they are onto the next car. This time they can’t afford a BMW…They may have kept the house, but had to declare bankruptcy to save their sanity. They are still drowning in debt. They are aging prematurely. Their health if failing.

You have moved on to better things. Your business is thriving. You travel to exotic places. You have a close knit group of friends you can trust. Your kids are taking your life lessons to heart, and are thriving on their own. That house…you did eventually move, but not just for social reasons. You bought your dream house on the lake, or the beach house, or a cabin in the mountains. And you own it outright.

Since balance was important, you have time to enjoy life. You didn’t wait until you were retired to travel and do the things you love. You are healthy and vibrant.

This is why we do the things we do.

Note: this is a very personal post. Thank you for letting me share this with you, and for helping me with the healing process. Sometimes, writing makes everything so clear…

The call I dreaded
Last night I found out that my Grandfather died. I had been in Mexico on business, and the message my mother left was vague. By the time I called he was already buried. While I am sad, it was also a blessing for him. He had been in assisted care for years, and had spent the last month in hospice.

When I called my mother, it reopened wounds. To call my family dysfunctional would be generous. To call my mother sane would be a lie. Her “issues” have torn apart my family. Years ago I broke out of her gravity field. This topic alone is worth dozens of blog posts.

The end result is that I don’t interact with my family. I have not seen my mother for 13 years. We had not talked for three years. Since she is the dominant figure in my family, this meant I also am cut off from my dad, sisters, aunts, uncles, etc…

For years I was in a dilemma. How do I honor my parents but protect my wife and kids(yes she is that bad)? It was hard, but I started to examine the concept of honoring my parents. What did it mean? Does it mean I need to obey my parents? Does it mean I need to submit to them? No, that is not the definition of “honor.”

To honor is “to hold in high regard, to show respect to.” Honor has nothing to do with submission or obedience. My parents are not at the same place in life, they don’t understand things the same as me. In many ways, I have moved far beyond them. They raised me. They gave me food and shelter. They gave me love as they knew how. They did their best with the tools they had. For that I am grateful and I honor them. And for that I forgive them for everything else.

I also understand the role I played. I was not as mature as I am today. I felt I always had to be right, that I always had to win any conflict. I know I did not help bring things back together. I was young, I was immature, and I was as wrong as my mother. And for that, I forgive myself as well.

Life lessons
I believe life keeps throwing the same challenge at you until you solve it. For years I found myself fighting battles all too often. There always seemed to be a battle at work. Friction with a neighbor. I usually won and I moved ahead in life, but it was wearing me out. The stress was killing me.

I’ve been working on this for the last couple years. I’ve made strides, but there was still friction. Then there was the call last night to my mom. She was trying to pick a fight, and accused me of turning my back on my family. My old self would have jumped in or ignored it entirely.

Then a strange calm came over me. I was direct, honest, and assertive. I plainly told her that I disagreed. I told her that the reason it had been three years was that I was tired of being the only one trying. It was always me initiating the phone call. When I stopped calling…

When she disputed the facts, I wouldn’t fight. I calmly said that she had the right to her own opinion, and that we would agree to disagree. This was my mantra, and I held to the facts. I would not take the bait. All this while expressing my love, hurt, and disappointment.

When she could not goad me into a fight, she ended the call. Am I sad? Yes, I had hoped she would be mature enough-or love me enough-to put our relationship first.

Am I glad this call finally happened? I’m not glad my grandfather died, but I am glad my mother and I talked. It gave me the chance to tell her how I felt. It gave me the chance to stand firm without fighting. It gave me the chance to learn the lesson life was trying to teach me.

Did I honor her? Yes.

Note: I’ve been sitting on this post for a couple weeks. Life got busy and I wanted a chance to edit before I posted…

It just wasn’t like me. I’m usually pretty good at writing. Sure, I sometimes have trouble starting. But once I get going there is no stopping me.

Then there was today…
It was frustrating. All my usual tricks failed me. I tried to bypass the title and just get started. No go. I tried to start putting my thoughts down on paper. Usually this is enough to get the creative juices flowing…Nothing.

After spending two hours struggling…
It finally hit me. I was trying to force the topic. I was going from my list of ideas, but I just couldn’t get into it. I had something else on my mind.

I’ve been experimenting with positive thinking lately. I recently read “The Secret.” While the info was not profoundly in depth, it made me look at things from a different perspective.

Years of self help running from it
I’m extremely practical and down to earth. While I’ve read dozens of self help books, I have always been drawn to the practical aspects. Goal setting…bring it on! Taking responsibility…got it! Focusing on the important and ignoring the urgent…great idea! Visualization…not for me. Positive thinking…too touchy feely. Letting the “infinite universe” deliver what I needed…this is real life, not science fiction!

Over time I started working more and more on the internal skills. I explored my values. I learned what messages my negative emotions were sending. I began to see how visualization and meditation were skills that would be useful. I had avoided them because it was hard for me.

Then my wife get The Secret. To be blunt, it was nothing new. I’ve been reading Earl Nightingale and Napoleon Hill for years. Both were firm believers in having a vision, maintaining a positive attitude, and trusting God to help you find the way. The Secret just put it in a slightly different way.

I started with something simple, trusting God to make sure my projects didn’t implode while I was on vacation. I was pleased to see it worked even though I did not check emails or voice mails for a week.

I started making a concerted effort to find the positive in everything. I noticed a marked improvement in my results. Then I took this to the next level. I began viewing any crisis as an opportunity, and I told myself that it was a blessing in disguise.

Today I had a chance to test this
I have a customer who is in a bind. Due to delays (their fault) shipment slipped two months. This was putting them in a position where they would startup late costing them $26,000,000. No that was not a typo, and boy did I have a situation on my hands. All due to a $44,000 piece of equipment.

Then a miracle happened
I was utterly convinced that this was a blessing in disguise. As the day went on, thing began to shift. Keeping an open mind, we came up with a solution. We would supply a used piece of equipment to get them up and going. In two months, it would be swamped out by the equipment we were building. The amount of my order doubled in a blink of an eye. Miracle of miracles, the customer is delighted. And I have about guaranteed I will win the next order as they are convinced I am on their side and a problem solver.

Positive thinking nay sayers
I’ve seen several posts on other blogs lately about the secret. Several are pretty critical. “Just thinking that something will happen won’t make it” is their general complaint.

Both sides are right, but oh so wrong
In a way they are right. Many people will miss the point of The Secret. You can’t just wish it to happen and not do any work. You have to be willing to step up and seize the opportunities you are presented. Likewise, you don’t need to have every step planned, you don’t need to force things. Knowing what you want is often a huge step. Picturing it firmly in your mind will tend to make it happen.

The other part of The Secret that causes issues is that it claims that everything comes to you through “vibrations” you broadcast to the infinite universe. This is way too “new age” for many people. I know it was always a barrier for me with listening to Napoleon Hill. Then it hit me…They are just talking about God. They are a bit new age, so they don’t use that term. Also, it can apply to whatever religion you practice, just replace “infinite universe” with Allah/God/Jesus/etc.

Is it positive thinking, having a vision, or God helping?
I think it is all of the above. Positive thinking has been proven time and time again to drive success. You can only see opportunity and solve problems with a positive attitude. Negative attitudes drive away successful people.

Having a vision is critical to achieving goals. It is the “why” that makes it easy to stick with it. It is the critical first step to goal setting. In fact, you can often achieve your goals with just this step.

As for God helping, every religion says to put yourself in God’s hands. Again, I view this from a Christian viewpoint, but feel free to swap the word “God” with the supreme being of your choice. Time and time again we are told to “ask (with belief that you will get it) and you will receive.”