Comments on: How to respond when your family asks for money

By: Brandt Smith

Brandt Smith — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 18:33:38 +0000

@Reyna – I’m glad we could help.

This is always one of the hardest things to deal with. Since you are dealing with family, emotions tend to get in the way. Take a step back, look at the facts, consider what is best for everyone, and make a thoughtful decision.

By: Reyna

Reyna — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 01:44:37 +0000

B Smith – you are very insightful and lend a great deal to this forum. To all others: great working through these issues with specific facts one can look at and consider. I am currently having a discussion with my husband over the dysfunction in his family – daughter, brother, ex-wife – and this forum has not only helped me this evening but brought a sense of calm and well-being to my mind as I deal with an issue such as this which is fraught with emotion. Thank you all.

By: Sharon

Sharon — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 16:25:26 +0000

This is a topic that I’ve dealt with many, many times since I graduated from college and went to work.
I was raised in a poor family where my Mother worked and my disabled Father stayed at home with the four kids. To say there was a lot of stress and tension between my parents would be an understatement.
Once I became a professional, my parents always needed money and I would do what I could to help them. I learned early on to consider anything I gave a gift instead of a loan (learned it the hard way after taking my bill money to pay parents’ bills and then never getting the money back).
The gift giving continued for years… and it never failed that I would spend $50 to $100 per visit because they needed this or wanted that. I thought it was my duty as their child to give back… even when I knew it wasn’t in my best interest.
Two years ago, I got married to a wonderful man who has never had to deal with this issue. Together, we gave my parents more than $2,000 within an 18-month period to pay bills and get by (that doesn’t include money we gave to pay for my Father’s funeral easlier this year – almost $5,000).
Last year, I told my Mother there was no more we could do for her as we now have a child to support. We also never made it public knowledge between my other siblings just how much money we had already given because it wasn’t any of their business.
Once my Father died, my Mother’s financial situation became even worse… and my older sister asked my brother and I if we could give our Mother $200 each month to supplement her income.
I told my sister ‘no’ and offered up a place in our home for our Mother because there is no way we could commit to taking care of two households.
This has caused a lot of tension between my sister and I and we no longer speak… she has called my brother and I “greedy” because we won’t continue to give our Mother money.
It’s hard to stand by our decision, but I know it was the right one for us… we can’t let our financial ship sink to save someone (not even if it is your parent.)

By: B Smith

B Smith — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 16:51:14 +0000

@Susan-You have a unique perspective. Your parents were sportive while your husband's parents were corrosive. You basically see both sides of the equation! At times like this I find it helpful to be logical. Put it in a pro/con list including the emotional aspects as data points. In this case there are strong emotional issues on both the pro and con side of the list. One other thing I find helpful is to weigh each factor as some items are minor irritants while others have a significant impact. Another thing to consider is that you have to take care of yourself first. That doesn't mean you need to be self-centered. It just means you need to make sure you and your husband don't put yourself in a situation. It helps no one if a decade from now you are in financial straits because you keep bailing them out. A final thought: do some soul searching with your husband. Look at the emotions driving these bad decisions. Why is he driven to keep the relationship corrosive? Why has he not switched roles? What will happen if you refuse to pay $4500? If you do that it may force them to make a responsible decision. An article that may be applicable is Honor thy parents.

By: Susan

Susan — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 12:38:17 +0000

I had wonderful parents who provided me with terrific financial advice. They lived well below their ample means, taught me to do the same. I have been saving since I was in gradeschool and saving for retirement since I began my professional career at 22. My parents (sadly) have both passed away and I have inheirited their remaining wealth. My husband and I took care of them until their last breaths.
My husband’s parents never wanted him, never showed him any love and respect, favored their other children including financial support, and now are looking to us for support. This is because we have achieved certain goals and basically have a nice life living well within our means. In addition, they always made poor financial decisions and when my husband was young and needed $ 3000 to complete the purchase of his own business, they “were not interested.” Within the last six months my husband’s job was eliminated even though he has worked like a dog for his company and I have become disabled during a knee operation. I have begun training for a more suitable job(part-time) and he is looking for a new job. At 58 and 59, we will be financially fine, our homes are paid for, etc. because of our ability to save and control our spending, but I do not feel we have to bail them out. To be fair, they are now very elderly and have limited means, but when we advised them to seek a less expensive care center, they refused. When we offered them our beautiful fully paid for retirement condo in a neighboring city at a small rent to just cover their expenses($500) and when we advised them to put what money they had in safe investments(not the stock market or an annuity) they ignored our offers and advice. The entire relationship has been poisonous.

My husband has no love for them but now feels guilty because they are his parents and they did one thing: sent him to college($12000) while basically kicking him out of their home. I feel no love or respect for them at all. My husband and I have helped friends who have been in dire straits(one with a liver transplant, another with a terrible accident). We gave money freely as gifts. But giving his parents money would be like endlessly throwing it into a cesspool. The cost of their care is $4500 a month and that would soon eat through our emergency fund, retirement savings and eventually through the money I inheirited. His guilt is overiding his common sense and I think he wants to prove to them that he is worthy of their respect. How do I expalin this all to him without getting into arguments about the facts of the situation?

Sorry to go on an on, but this has been an ongoing issue for 32 years.

By: B Smith

B Smith — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 01:07:16 +0000

@Missy-Wow. I thought I was the only one with family issues. I'm glad my article made such a difference. This one took a lot to write. One thing I've found over the years is that there are a lot of people with dysfunctional families. I no longer feel quite so weird! You mentioned your husband started his own business and that the economy is hurting. You may want to look at Recessionproof Your Sales for advice on surviving our economic slowdown. One interesting thing I've found in similar times is that you can actually make gains but you need to focus on the right things (usually the basics). Your time and resources are strained so you have to apply them intelligently.

By: Missy

Missy — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 23:07:33 +0000

My mother is not a senior citizen. As a matter of fact, she is only 15 years my senior. I wish I would have read this 10 minutes ago – before I wired my mother yet another $100.00. Maybe I would have had more of a backbone. I did send her a copy of all of the wire transactions for the past year. I guess I was being passive aggressive, which I know won’t help anything. I was just really annoyed. My husband and I are so far in debt! My husband left his job to start a business. We have invested all of our savings in it. It has been about 2 years since out business has been up and running and with the economy gong the way that it is, we are struggling like never before. My mother, who only has herself to worry about, acts like we’re her ATM. I think she thinks that we are some how living high of the hog. Her house (which she inherited) has no mortgage. She lost the one house that she did purchase – after I sent in over $1600 in back mortgage to bide for time. Instead of going ahead and selling the house, she let it go into foreclosure! She has no children living at home. She never incurred any debt from me for college. Even then I sent her some of my college loan money, and had to pay it back myself. She called me crying (probably crocodile tears) because she doesn’t have any money. She won’t hold on to a job. Somebody is always treating her “mean and nasty.” I have sent her money for numerous tests that she’s needed to take for employment purposes. Either she fails the test or quits the job. I feel like an idiot for sending her the money. We really can’t afford it. My husband hasn’t complained – yet, but I am afraid he may one day truly resent it. Anyway, thank you for the wisdom and insight. In the mean time, I suppose I’ll just chalk this “gift” up to the ash heap. Hello, my name is Missy and I am an enabler.

By: Wealth and Wisdom » Another Guest Post…At Get Rich Slowly

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By: B Smith

B Smith — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 22:07:06 +0000

@Paula-Thanks for the great comment. It’s funny how people think we’re rich just because we’re self employed.

It also happens when there is a difference in your level of financial responsibility. I have friends and family who act like we are loaded because we can generally afford whatever we want. What they don’t see is how often we don’t spend money and that we are in this position because we have lived within our means for almost two decades.