Wealth and Wisdom

Note: this is a very personal post. Thank you for letting me share this with you, and for helping me with the healing process. Sometimes, writing makes everything so clear…

The call I dreaded
Last night I found out that my Grandfather died. I had been in Mexico on business, and the message my mother left was vague. By the time I called he was already buried. While I am sad, it was also a blessing for him. He had been in assisted care for years, and had spent the last month in hospice.

When I called my mother, it reopened wounds. To call my family dysfunctional would be generous. To call my mother sane would be a lie. Her “issues” have torn apart my family. Years ago I broke out of her gravity field. This topic alone is worth dozens of blog posts.

The end result is that I don’t interact with my family. I have not seen my mother for 13 years. We had not talked for three years. Since she is the dominant figure in my family, this meant I also am cut off from my dad, sisters, aunts, uncles, etc…

For years I was in a dilemma. How do I honor my parents but protect my wife and kids(yes she is that bad)? It was hard, but I started to examine the concept of honoring my parents. What did it mean? Does it mean I need to obey my parents? Does it mean I need to submit to them? No, that is not the definition of “honor.”

To honor is “to hold in high regard, to show respect to.” Honor has nothing to do with submission or obedience. My parents are not at the same place in life, they don’t understand things the same as me. In many ways, I have moved far beyond them. They raised me. They gave me food and shelter. They gave me love as they knew how. They did their best with the tools they had. For that I am grateful and I honor them. And for that I forgive them for everything else.

I also understand the role I played. I was not as mature as I am today. I felt I always had to be right, that I always had to win any conflict. I know I did not help bring things back together. I was young, I was immature, and I was as wrong as my mother. And for that, I forgive myself as well.

Life lessons
I believe life keeps throwing the same challenge at you until you solve it. For years I found myself fighting battles all too often. There always seemed to be a battle at work. Friction with a neighbor. I usually won and I moved ahead in life, but it was wearing me out. The stress was killing me.

I’ve been working on this for the last couple years. I’ve made strides, but there was still friction. Then there was the call last night to my mom. She was trying to pick a fight, and accused me of turning my back on my family. My old self would have jumped in or ignored it entirely.

Then a strange calm came over me. I was direct, honest, and assertive. I plainly told her that I disagreed. I told her that the reason it had been three years was that I was tired of being the only one trying. It was always me initiating the phone call. When I stopped calling…

When she disputed the facts, I wouldn’t fight. I calmly said that she had the right to her own opinion, and that we would agree to disagree. This was my mantra, and I held to the facts. I would not take the bait. All this while expressing my love, hurt, and disappointment.

When she could not goad me into a fight, she ended the call. Am I sad? Yes, I had hoped she would be mature enough-or love me enough-to put our relationship first.

Am I glad this call finally happened? I’m not glad my grandfather died, but I am glad my mother and I talked. It gave me the chance to tell her how I felt. It gave me the chance to stand firm without fighting. It gave me the chance to learn the lesson life was trying to teach me.

Did I honor her? Yes.

Note: I’ve been sitting on this post for a couple weeks. Life got busy and I wanted a chance to edit before I posted…

It just wasn’t like me. I’m usually pretty good at writing. Sure, I sometimes have trouble starting. But once I get going there is no stopping me.

Then there was today…
It was frustrating. All my usual tricks failed me. I tried to bypass the title and just get started. No go. I tried to start putting my thoughts down on paper. Usually this is enough to get the creative juices flowing…Nothing.

After spending two hours struggling…
It finally hit me. I was trying to force the topic. I was going from my list of ideas, but I just couldn’t get into it. I had something else on my mind.

I’ve been experimenting with positive thinking lately. I recently read “The Secret.” While the info was not profoundly in depth, it made me look at things from a different perspective.

Years of self help running from it
I’m extremely practical and down to earth. While I’ve read dozens of self help books, I have always been drawn to the practical aspects. Goal setting…bring it on! Taking responsibility…got it! Focusing on the important and ignoring the urgent…great idea! Visualization…not for me. Positive thinking…too touchy feely. Letting the “infinite universe” deliver what I needed…this is real life, not science fiction!

Over time I started working more and more on the internal skills. I explored my values. I learned what messages my negative emotions were sending. I began to see how visualization and meditation were skills that would be useful. I had avoided them because it was hard for me.

Then my wife get The Secret. To be blunt, it was nothing new. I’ve been reading Earl Nightingale and Napoleon Hill for years. Both were firm believers in having a vision, maintaining a positive attitude, and trusting God to help you find the way. The Secret just put it in a slightly different way.

I started with something simple, trusting God to make sure my projects didn’t implode while I was on vacation. I was pleased to see it worked even though I did not check emails or voice mails for a week.

I started making a concerted effort to find the positive in everything. I noticed a marked improvement in my results. Then I took this to the next level. I began viewing any crisis as an opportunity, and I told myself that it was a blessing in disguise.

Today I had a chance to test this
I have a customer who is in a bind. Due to delays (their fault) shipment slipped two months. This was putting them in a position where they would startup late costing them $26,000,000. No that was not a typo, and boy did I have a situation on my hands. All due to a $44,000 piece of equipment.

Then a miracle happened
I was utterly convinced that this was a blessing in disguise. As the day went on, thing began to shift. Keeping an open mind, we came up with a solution. We would supply a used piece of equipment to get them up and going. In two months, it would be swamped out by the equipment we were building. The amount of my order doubled in a blink of an eye. Miracle of miracles, the customer is delighted. And I have about guaranteed I will win the next order as they are convinced I am on their side and a problem solver.

Positive thinking nay sayers
I’ve seen several posts on other blogs lately about the secret. Several are pretty critical. “Just thinking that something will happen won’t make it” is their general complaint.

Both sides are right, but oh so wrong
In a way they are right. Many people will miss the point of The Secret. You can’t just wish it to happen and not do any work. You have to be willing to step up and seize the opportunities you are presented. Likewise, you don’t need to have every step planned, you don’t need to force things. Knowing what you want is often a huge step. Picturing it firmly in your mind will tend to make it happen.

The other part of The Secret that causes issues is that it claims that everything comes to you through “vibrations” you broadcast to the infinite universe. This is way too “new age” for many people. I know it was always a barrier for me with listening to Napoleon Hill. Then it hit me…They are just talking about God. They are a bit new age, so they don’t use that term. Also, it can apply to whatever religion you practice, just replace “infinite universe” with Allah/God/Jesus/etc.

Is it positive thinking, having a vision, or God helping?
I think it is all of the above. Positive thinking has been proven time and time again to drive success. You can only see opportunity and solve problems with a positive attitude. Negative attitudes drive away successful people.

Having a vision is critical to achieving goals. It is the “why” that makes it easy to stick with it. It is the critical first step to goal setting. In fact, you can often achieve your goals with just this step.

As for God helping, every religion says to put yourself in God’s hands. Again, I view this from a Christian viewpoint, but feel free to swap the word “God” with the supreme being of your choice. Time and time again we are told to “ask (with belief that you will get it) and you will receive.”